Text Offender: Like sex offender, but with more cell phone and less rape.

I am a victim of textual offense and I'm no longer being quiet about it.

Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Years.
On these days I find myself liking some of my friends a little less than I do the rest of the year because (and it pains me to type this) some of my best friends are text offenders.

My phone vibrates.

"HAPPY THANKSGIVING!"

Ten cents. That cost me ten cents.

Phone vibrates again.

"Happy Thanksgiving."

No exclamation point. Really? And another ten cents to AT&T.

The fucking phone is vibrating again.

"GoBbLe GoBbLe."

I need a gun. Now.

My good (twelve) readers, there was once a time when people sent individual cards, each inscribed with a personalized message, through the postal service. The card's recipient was rarely inconvenienced by this process (except when the careless handling of an envelope resulted in the occasional paper cut).

These days all you have to do is type one terribly impersonal message and you can wish your entire contact list a "Happy Secretary's Day" (if you're an asshole like that).

You know what would be the perfect Thanksgiving? Me not realizing that it's Thanksgiving until it's over. But I can't do that if you're texting me good wishes that cost me ten cents each when I'm over my monthly limit. And in this case, you should always assume I'm over my limit.

I know there are other victims out there and I implore you - speak out, speak up, and speak fast (I'm also out of rollover minutes).

I'm either a total pervert or this truck is a mobile double entendre.

A picture is worth a thousand words...

Little Victories

Life is about the little victories. Like when you go to wipe and miraculously there's no job to do.

You don't trust it, of course, so there's the ever-crucial second wipe, to confirm that you didn't miss anything. And when the final results are in - that today was, in fact, Clean Shit Monday - take a moment for yourself before the lone flush.

And don't forget to wash your hands before celebrating with some Dannon Activia yogurt (it's keeping you regular, isn't it?!).

Trying to be Funny in 140 Characters or Less

I had a little too much fun with the top Trending Topic on Twitter this evening. A bunch of comedians I'm "following" started to participate in this hashtag (#) frenzy, so I turned it into my own little comedic exercise. The topic was "oneletteroffmovies" - and if you don't understand what this means, you'll figure it out in just a moment.

MY RESULTS:

Maxi Driver: A gritty Scorsese drama about a menstruating cabbie with a thirst for violence.

Revolutionary Load: Winslet and Dicaprio team up for this dramatic tale of a marriage torn apart by a massive turd.

XXL: Vin Diesel is recruited by the government to battle chronic obesity.

Mace-Off: John Woo directed this action-packed flick starring Nic Cage and John Travolta, who duel with pepper spray.

Goy Story: A heartwarming Pixar animated adventure about semitically-challenged children's toys that come to life.

Clear and Present Manger: CIA analyst Jack Ryan must deliver an immaculately conceived baby in a Bethlehem stable.

Sling Glade: Poignant story about a simple man with the uncontrollable urge to attack people with air freshener.

The Tan Commandments: Moses receives two tablets that explain sun-safety precautions for desert-wandering Jews.

The Mighty Fucks

Mantasia: This dialogue-free Disney favorite is about worshipping the male physique and is set to classical music.

The Diary of Anne Crank: Living in an attic, a young girl chronicles her struggle with meth-amphetamine addiction.

and finally...

Beauty and the Yeast: Belle leaves her wet bathing suit on for too long and pays the ultimate price - $18 on Monistat 7.

Disturbing Costume Idea

If I was still into the whole Halloween thing, I think this year I'd go as Madonna's arms.

Trick or treat, kids. Trick or treat.

Too Casual An Encounter

Why people don't think things through before trying to do something like find a sex partner online is something that continues to mystify me. Recently I created a Gmail account for the purpose of responding to Craigslist posts I find obnoxious, illiterate or an insult to humanity in general. A plethora of penis photos can be found in the M-4-W Craigslist Casual Encounter section, but unfortunately not every naked man with a digital camera knows the aesthetics involved in creating an image of his genitalia that doesn't traumatize the heterosexual female eye. One particular "gentleman" did not consult his Penile Photography manual before posting his proud pics, so I sent him a brief email:

Dear Sir,

Regarding your recent Craigslist submission to the M-4-W Casual Encounter section:

Even if you had a phenomenally attractive penis (and you, sir, do not), there is nothing appealing about a cock shot with a toilet seat in the background. These are things that women think about. And probably why no one is 'hitting you up' on Yahoo.

Best of luck in your search for some strange,

Jane

You can call me mean, but you didn't suffer exposure to those images. Besides, I'm menstruating (and therefore unstoppable). So there...