A picture is worth a thousand words...

Little Victories

Life is about the little victories. Like when you go to wipe and miraculously there's no job to do.

You don't trust it, of course, so there's the ever-crucial second wipe, to confirm that you didn't miss anything. And when the final results are in - that today was, in fact, Clean Shit Monday - take a moment for yourself before the lone flush.

And don't forget to wash your hands before celebrating with some Dannon Activia yogurt (it's keeping you regular, isn't it?!).

Trying to be Funny in 140 Characters or Less

I had a little too much fun with the top Trending Topic on Twitter this evening. A bunch of comedians I'm "following" started to participate in this hashtag (#) frenzy, so I turned it into my own little comedic exercise. The topic was "oneletteroffmovies" - and if you don't understand what this means, you'll figure it out in just a moment.

MY RESULTS:

Maxi Driver: A gritty Scorsese drama about a menstruating cabbie with a thirst for violence.

Revolutionary Load: Winslet and Dicaprio team up for this dramatic tale of a marriage torn apart by a massive turd.

XXL: Vin Diesel is recruited by the government to battle chronic obesity.

Mace-Off: John Woo directed this action-packed flick starring Nic Cage and John Travolta, who duel with pepper spray.

Goy Story: A heartwarming Pixar animated adventure about semitically-challenged children's toys that come to life.

Clear and Present Manger: CIA analyst Jack Ryan must deliver an immaculately conceived baby in a Bethlehem stable.

Sling Glade: Poignant story about a simple man with the uncontrollable urge to attack people with air freshener.

The Tan Commandments: Moses receives two tablets that explain sun-safety precautions for desert-wandering Jews.

The Mighty Fucks

Mantasia: This dialogue-free Disney favorite is about worshipping the male physique and is set to classical music.

The Diary of Anne Crank: Living in an attic, a young girl chronicles her struggle with meth-amphetamine addiction.

and finally...

Beauty and the Yeast: Belle leaves her wet bathing suit on for too long and pays the ultimate price - $18 on Monistat 7.

Disturbing Costume Idea

If I was still into the whole Halloween thing, I think this year I'd go as Madonna's arms.

Trick or treat, kids. Trick or treat.

Too Casual An Encounter

Why people don't think things through before trying to do something like find a sex partner online is something that continues to mystify me. Recently I created a Gmail account for the purpose of responding to Craigslist posts I find obnoxious, illiterate or an insult to humanity in general. A plethora of penis photos can be found in the M-4-W Craigslist Casual Encounter section, but unfortunately not every naked man with a digital camera knows the aesthetics involved in creating an image of his genitalia that doesn't traumatize the heterosexual female eye. One particular "gentleman" did not consult his Penile Photography manual before posting his proud pics, so I sent him a brief email:

Dear Sir,

Regarding your recent Craigslist submission to the M-4-W Casual Encounter section:

Even if you had a phenomenally attractive penis (and you, sir, do not), there is nothing appealing about a cock shot with a toilet seat in the background. These are things that women think about. And probably why no one is 'hitting you up' on Yahoo.

Best of luck in your search for some strange,

Jane

You can call me mean, but you didn't suffer exposure to those images. Besides, I'm menstruating (and therefore unstoppable). So there...

I'm Not Buying It #3,577

The most implausible part of M. Night Shyamalan's THE HAPPENING:

When a lone sweater vest transformed Mark Wahlberg into a high school biology teacher.
What exactly was Night thinking casting him here? That it would instill fear in audiences because this was the guy who was supposed find a scientific explanation for the Happening? Marky-Mark as the earnest biology teacher made the whole "plants making people kill themselves" concept seem, at the very least, incredibly plausible.

Better luck next time, Night.

Age Inappropriate Atrocity: Forever 21, You Ain't

Cougars:

I'm not forcing you to shop at Chico's or Talbot's. I'm just saying that you're in my fucking way and the "WHAT BOYFRIEND?" crop top you're sporting is embarrassing your 12 year-old daughter.

Sincerely,

Samantha J. Sachs
[Disgruntled and underfunded shopper]